Fellow San Franciscans,
I have long believed that our humble city could host no event so absurd as to rock its foundations to the core. This conviction was shattered, this last Saturday before All Hallows Eve by an assault on our timeline by the Royal Swedish Academy of Time Science (Kungliga Tidsvetenskaps Akademien). The nation of Sweden, long struggling with a national reputation defined by cheap furniture and confusion with the Swiss, colluded with our very citizens to pull off a series of seemingly disconnected, but ultimately frustrating Timefooleries.
The results defy sense. San Francisco is just too weird. Croquet now has a higher incidence of spinal fractures than football, the painted ladies are inexplicably unpainted, the Golden Gate Bridge is a dirty shade of orange instead of the greatest combination of blue and yellow that it always has been. France got super into wine like 30 years earlier than it was supposed to, and lastly, I’m the gerd dern mayor. I didn’t want to be mayor. I just… I don’t know.
Anyway, the RSATS and I have reached an agreement. Sweden will stop messing with time, and everything else will be set back to normal. Except the bridge, that’s gotta stay orange.
That’s the deal. I alone made the decision. Bedtime for democracy.
Jello Biafra
Time Mayor of San Francisco
P.S. Buy my albums
P.P.S. That VR thing was real though. Watch out for that.